I'd like to share an abbreviated version of my birth story, and what I've experienced the first few days of being a mama. My first contractions started Friday late afternoon when I was at Opry mills mall with my parents. Then by 10:30 PM we called the midwife and she said to come in to the birthing center. I was only 3 cm dilated, but she let me stay there for an hour or so to see if things would progress before sending me home to labor more at home. I was very thankful about that because the idea of getting in the car and driving back home and coming back again while having painful contractions was the last thing I wanted to do! I had progressed enough over the next couple hours so we stayed. It was my ideal birthing experience getting to birth at the brand-new birthing center, Baby & Co! Bowie was the first boy to be born there.
I labored all night and took advantage of the shower and tub, although for the majority of labor I was most comfortable using my hypno babies hypnosis techniques while in bed. It's funny how time both seems to drag and fly at the same time well you're in labor. It seems like a while before I could go into the tub, but when I did it was very relaxing (as relaxing as it can be having increasing intense contractions) and I transitioned quickly. Up until that point my hypno babies hypnosis techniques worked wonderful for laboring. But when I got to the transition stage, they were just so intense and painful thing I could not stay in hypnosis. Having my Doula, Merrill (of Merrill ChildBirth Services) there to get me through the pain was a life saver when I said many times that I couldn't take it and I wanted the pain to stop in the transition period. Both my husband and I said we don't know how we could have gotten through it without her help. I highly recommend a doula (especially Merrill if you're in Nashville) to anyone.
It was during this period, when the hypnosis tool I was using wasn't working anymore and I kinda freaked out thinking I didn't think I could handle the pain. I said I wanted an epidural but that wasn't an option. I knew I might get to a point where I would want it and if I were delivering in a hospital, I probably would have gotten it, but I knew that wasn't how I wanted to give birth so that's why I chose the birthing center. That decision to switch from an OB to this natural route was guided by spirit - both my spirit guides and Bowie's spirit (which incidentally WAS one of my major spirit guides in this and many past lifetimes). I was told I would have an amazing, life changing spiritual transition if I gave birth naturally. Since my main spiritual lesson the past couple years has been trust and surrender, I saw this as an opportunity to put my trust to the ultimate test. I never would have thought I could do a natural birth. In fact, I had always said when I have a baby, I'm definitely getting an epidural, since I'm such a baby when it comes to pain. Even though I was scared, I trusted my divine/spiritual guidance and decided to go with the birthing center.
Well, when my labor got to the point where my hypnosis tools stopped working, I had no choice but to turn to spirit to surrender and trust that the universe and all my (and Bowie's) guides and angels would get me through it. I actually didn't think of turning to spirit in the middle of the increasing pain of the transition period and my mind freaking out. It was Dave who got the message to tell me to do this. When I did, sure enough, a major shift happened. I was told I went from ~6 cm dilated to 10 and fully effaced and feeling the urge to push in about an hour! I was also told that I said a mantra/prayer that I don't remember saying and still now, I don't know what it means. I will have to continue to ask spirit and meditate about it. What I do remember is a shift in my mind. From that moment on, for the rest of the labor and delivery, my mind was elsewhere. I felt kind of like I left my body, but just with my mind. I was fully aware of what was going on and still felt like I was physically in my body but my mind didn't freak out because something, like a peace took over and I felt like I didn't need to think about what my body was doing, I really, truly surrendered.
I had never surrendered my mind and body before. I had successfully surrendered fear over the past year, but never my whole mind and body. It was indeed the ultimate lesson and experience of surrender and trust. I think, now, whenever I feel fear, I will have to remember whenever I surrender to spirit, it never fails to support and get me through anything, if it got me through what most people regard as the most difficult and painful life experience - childbirth.
So, I was told to get out of the tub after my water broke. I went back into the bed to push and deliver. I was told that I only was pushing for one hour. I don't remember much of what was going on around me at that point because the pain was so intense! The final minutes of pushing and delivery was one of the most excruciatingly painful things I have ever experienced. Thank God the excruciating part only lasted a minute. Dave was behind me during the whole pushing time being an amazing coach and getting me through it. When they put Bowie on my chest I was just in awe that he came out of me. They had emergency staff there ready because he had pooped in his sack during labor and they weren't sure if he aspirated any of it. There was, I was told, at least 10 people in the room at delivery. When he immediately started crying, I was told everyone breathed a sigh of relief and everyone but my birthing center team- midwives and a nurse - and my Doula left the room. After the umbilical cord stopped pulsating Dave got to cut it. It was so nice laying in that big bed with Dave enjoying our new baby for about an hour. I told Dave and kept thinking holy crap, we are parents now. This is our son! He was just perfect!
We went home after about four or five hours. I thought to myself as he was put in his car seat how are we going to keep this child alive ourselves?! I know nothing about taking care of a child much less a newborn.
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| My two boys. We just strapped him in his car seat. Ready to head home from the birthing center. |
Bringing Baby Home
That first afternoon and evening were a whirlwind. I am so grateful that my parents are in town to help us out! Breast-feeding has proven to be very difficult. I was prepared for it to be difficult because I had taken classes and read a lot but you are never prepared for just having gone through a 10 hour labor and are scared and excited and have a flood of emotions and at the same time are very sleep deprived and hormonal. Dave and I equate it to the frustration of trying something new and challenging for the first time but adding a person who is also trying it for the first time and is also very frustrated. But we obviously can't wait to start growing quickly because the little tiny bit of colostrum that I am able to produce is not enough to quench his hunger. Today is day three and it is getting a little easier. Despite the midwife's recommendation, we decided we needed to give him a little bit of formula. It was the right decision! Today I am for the first time able to bond with my child in a non-stressful or frustrating situation. Because before today, he was either inconsolable with hunger or we were both frustrated trying to get him to latch and nurse.
I hope my milk comes in tomorrow and I am able to breast-feed, but I am not going to freak out if that might not be possible. I will meet with a lactation consultant this week, and take him to his first pediatrician appointment.
I'm writing this as I lay with him in my arms admiring him. The world seems to stop when I'm looking at him.
For now I am going to enjoy my perfect adorable baby and be thankful that difficult labor and delivery experience is over! I know it went smoothly and not too long compared to the average labor, but even a "smooth" birth hurts like hell.
