Things You Do and Don't Really Need for Your Newborn and Your Pre-Baby Self

Now that I've been a mom for almost 14 months now, I of course feel like an expert. haha. Well, ok, I'll never be an expert, but I feel compelled to share information based on my experience that I wish I had read somewhere before little Bowie came along. For those first few months and beyond.....

Necessary Baby Items
I have read more times than not on those lists of baby necessities on Pinterist that these two things are unnecessary. Well, I will tell you they are definitely necessary.

Bottle Warmer - Even if you "plan" on breastfeeding, there are many factors that may cause you to not be able to, or to not be able to exclusively. (Read the book MommaZen to help prepare you to come to terms with the fact that you can plan for whatever you want when having a baby - and even giving birth - but you are not in control and you're just along for the ride of unexpected surprises along the way). So, like what happened with us, I fully intended on breastfeeding but my milk took way too long to come in AND Bowie had a lip and tongue tie so his latch prevented him from being able to effectively feed. So, as I was pumping away every ~2 hrs, and had breastmilk in the fridge ready to feed him. It had to be warmed, and at 3am waiting around for the 10 min. it takes to warm a bottle on on the stove seems like an eternity when you have a baby screaming in hunger. My husband went out one night that first week baby was home to our nearby 24hr. walmart and bought a bottle warmer because we couldn't take it anymore. It was one of the best purchases we made (and at $25, TOTALLY worth it).

Baby Wipes Warmer - Particularly if you have a fall or winter baby. When you want to change your baby in the middle of the night and don't want them waking up and screaming from a cold wipe freezing their bottom. I mean, would you want a cold wipe on your warm butt anytime? Even now, at 13+ mos., Bowie hates cold wipes and has that familiar body shiver when I tried unplugging it over the summer, because somehow, they get colder than room temperature even in the summer.

Totally Unnecessary Baby Items

Shoes - I mean, come on, shoes for infants are just as ironic as pockets on baby shirts. What do they need shoes for? They never stay on more than 10 min. anyway. And you can get warm socks to keep their feet warm in cooler weather (or better yet, get the footie one-piece outfits so you don't have to worry about socks falling off every half hour). We had a bunch of pairs of shoes gifted to us and Bowie only wore one pair a couple times for special occasions (pictures).

I'm sure there are others I'm not thinking of, so comment and let me know what your unnecessary baby items were.


Necessary Items for the Momma-to-Be

Maternity Clothing Sharing or Rental Sites

LeTote.com
I just discovered this website that I wish I had known about when I was pregnant! Letote.com is like a clothing rental co. where you can select outfits to wear and they ship everything free and you can wear as long as you want and send back and request another couple outfits to wear when you get sick of the others. How perfect for maternity clothes that you're not going to wear again after 9 mos.! Until the next baby that is. ;)  They have a monthly membership starting at $40 a month. And I just used a half-off first month coupon that somehow made it only $9! (fyi, they gave me 3 1-month free coupons to share if anyone is interested).

I am a fashion hound and love clothes. I never wear the same thing more than once in 2-3 weeks, so I HATED the fact that I was stuck with the same boring few maternity pants, tops and dresses. And as much as I wished, I could not wear yoga pants to work. I'm a fashionista on a budget, so I wasn't about to go out and spend a lot of money on a bunch of clothes I would only wear for ~6 months. And being a bargain hunter, you know I scoped Goodwill, but maternity clothes make up about 1/2 % of their inventory and I think I only found one item at several near me.

There are other sites similar to this that recently popped up: Borrowforyourbump.com, Stitchfix.com, Bellagravita.com, Labellebump.com, Minefornine.com.  Why couldn't these have been around when I was pregnant?!

There are also some great second-hand sites where I bought some nice maternity clothes for a good price, like Thredup.com Swap.com.

Marriage-Saving Tips

1. Don't buy a house and start a new job four months after having a baby. Enough said.

2. Great book: Babyproofing Your Marriage
I had no idea how hard it would be when my husband and I were used to having long conversations on the front porch at night to then be thrust into sleep deprivation, new roles, and no conversation. In the early days, the most conversation we had was a grunt or head nod which meant "hey", as we turned our baby shift over to the other.
I wished I had read this while I was pregnant, but since I'm a communication professor, communication is a big part of our relationship and I knew to talk about roles and partnership expectations before baby came. We had pre-established that we would take 3-4 hr. shifts in those early days, and I told my hubby not to expect a clean house or regular meals. Thankfully I made a bunch of freezer meals before D-Day and had a wonderful network of kind, supportive friends and family to help out. In other countries, the whole community drops everything and comes together to support a mother after the birth of her baby and all she has to do is tend to the baby. What happened to our society/culture?! Geesh. I mean, here, many women's friends and family help out but not nearly to the extent of some other cultures.

Goodbye Old Self - Hello Mama Self

Now that it's coming up on ONE YEAR that I've been a parent now (Bowie will be 1 in a week!), I'm over the new-parent hazing and the whirlwind of such a huge life change and have been reflecting more about my new identity. As you parents out there know, you can't, or don't want to anymore do everything you used to do pre-baby and some of your interests may have changed. Basically, taking on the new role of parent in and of itself is a big identity shift I think. 

I'm partially mourning the loss of my old self, the self who had enough energy (and probably interest) to want to go out at least once a week to bars, music venues... I say I'm only partially mourning that self because, really, I feel like going to bars or going to see shows was getting not as exciting as it once was before my baby arrived. It's just that having a baby makes what is normally a gradual shift and change in life interests an abrupt shift and change. I'm not one who likes change to happen that fast. It makes me feel unsettled, like someone pulled the rug out from under me. So, I suppose it's not that I'm mourning the loss of the ability or desire to do some things I once enjoyed doing because I realize I really don't enjoy doing some of those things anymore anyway. It's just that the shift happened so fast, I feel like I didn't have a say in it, or control over it. 

Ha, I could go into another long discussion about feeling the need for control: to control things that happen in my life. But I'm well aware that we only have so much control - the control of our thoughts, not the all of the outcomes of our life. I obviously have not learned this spiritual lesson because here I am, mourning the loss of control. But this is a good philosophical, metaphysical discussion for another time. 

Now that we're past the infant stage, I feel I can get back to doing some of the things I did and still do enjoy but haven't had the chance to do - like socializing with friends and going on outdoor adventures. And it's not like having a baby has stopped us from doing everything we love. It has just forced us to give up some things (the less important things anyway) and prioritize. We have never stopped doing the most important thing in our lives  - our band. And we still do a radio show. We played a show a month and a half after Bowie was born. :) But it sure will be nice to get back to doing some other fun things. Man, that first year has been tough! Did I mention I am making myself a "good job mama" cake at Bowie's first birthday? It may not say that on my cake, but I'm making myself a little cake knowing what it signifies. 

The other main thing I feel I'm mourning is the shift in friends that comes along with a shift in interests. We all change as we grow older and experience friends coming and going, at the very least, a shift in the closeness of friends. Those who were once very close now are more like acquaintances. This is a normal part of life and I'm ok with that. My problem is that I was trying to hold onto the closeness of friendships with people whose common interests were dwindling (aka, non-parent friends). And, I need to have close friends to feel like I'm sufficiently supported in life. I always thought, I would never be one of those people who talks to their non-parent friends about their kid and unloads my parenting problems on them, but it kind of just happened. AH! Yes, I became that person. I was wondering why some of my non-parent friends started becoming a little more distant and not asking me to hang out as much. I get it now! Ha. I also get that I really need to befriend more parents - those who understand my plight and can sympathize when I need to unload about how hard parts of being a parent are. I need that support. It's hard when most of your friends are non-parents. It didn't make it any easier that we moved 4 months after Bowie was born and my new neighborhood doesn't have the cool mom's groups that my old neighborhood did. It has been a struggle to find other moms with similar interests. Let this be a written call to the universe - where are my soul mate mamas?! I'll report back after the universe has delivered. 

I'll post pictures of Bowie's first birthday next weekend. Until then, here's photo documentation of what we've been doing with our lives this summer...

Motherhood - the First Year

As we're nearing the one-year mark (Bowie is 10 1/2 months), I'm realizing his first birthday party will be a celebration for me more than it will for him, although I'm sure he will enjoy having cake for the first time.  I will mostly be celebrating keeping him alive for a whole year while maintaining some sanity.  This year has been one of the hardest, most love-filled, most interesting year of my life.

I thought I was doing pretty good with the mommy guilt thing. I was able to go back to work and leave my baby with someone else to care for for the first time after 4 1/2 months without feeling guilty. He hasn't had any falls or accidents or physical injuries. But the first time my his health was in jeopardy because we're first-time parents and didn't know any better, mommy guilt snuck in like a ninja and wreaked havoc on me for, well, a month now. I always thought I would not be one of those mothers who feels guilty for making mistakes, because after all, we're not perfect right? Ha! Easier said than done when it comes to your child I'm finding out. When I make mistakes in my life, it's easy for me to practice self-compassion because it's myself who I'm screwing up and I know I can live with my own mistakes. But when it's someone else's life, someone who is helpless and impressionable, who you're screwing up, it's hard to accept they will have to live with the consequences of your mistakes. I don't know why mistakes we make towards our children are so hard to accept and forgive though. It's not like some past mistakes haven't affected someone else's life before. I'm sure I've made a financial mistake that affected my husband. Although all I can remember are his mistakes that have cost us, haha. Funny how selective memory works.

There really needs to be parenting classes. I mean, I consider myself an educated, informed person who has read baby development books and researched (ad nauseum) online but I see lots of conflicting information and I have relied on my pediatrician to tell me what I need to be doing and if I'm doing something wrong. Which did not happen, hence the major health issue. I mean, they have classes/training to get married, get a drivers license, get a job, play an instrument, go through childbirth, learn how to swim, I could go on.... WHY NO CLASSES ON HOW TO RAISE A CHILD???!!!!

I also find it very strange that they have pre-marital counseling before you get married (at least in the church), but there is no pre-parenting counseling before having a baby and so far, raising a child has been far harder than staying married. It's not even the same ballpark.

Our first year of parenting could have gone smoother if my husband and I had talked about our expectations of roles and responsibilities each parent would take on before we had a child. Heck, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into and were just happy to keep our baby alive and be able to remember to eat and keep ourselves alive and try to piece together a coherent sentence other than muttering "your turn" those first few months, much less have a conversation about parenting. To be fair to us though, it's kind of hard to have a conversation about our goals, plans, and expectations when we didn't know what to expect. 

Of course when you've been married as long as we have - I think about 14 years now, I lose track - any issues that have started to fester over the years that you've swept under the rug rear their ugly heads when you have to rely on each other even more taking care of a baby and raising a child. Another reason there should be pre-parenting couples counseling! 

Side note: If you're wondering what the health issue was, at his 9 mo appt., he was underweight. I was exclusively breastfeeding and apparently was not producing nearly enough. How was I supposed to know? He seemed perfectly happy and healthy and I fed on demand and stopped when he seemed satisfied. I had to start supplementing and his like for breastfeeding quickly went down the tubes when he saw how much easier it was to get milk from a bottle. Sigh. Well, I certainly fought a long, hard fight to be able to exclusively breast feed him 9 1/2 months. I should get a cake at his first birthday party for this accomplishment! As you breastfeeding mommas out there know, it ain't easy!

Well, despite our mistakes, it appears our son will live to tell about it. And despite our tears and guilt this year, we are definitely happier with him in our lives. He is a beautiful soul and a chill, happy person who makes us laugh daily.