I'm partially mourning the loss of my old self, the self who had enough energy (and probably interest) to want to go out at least once a week to bars, music venues... I say I'm only partially mourning that self because, really, I feel like going to bars or going to see shows was getting not as exciting as it once was before my baby arrived. It's just that having a baby makes what is normally a gradual shift and change in life interests an abrupt shift and change. I'm not one who likes change to happen that fast. It makes me feel unsettled, like someone pulled the rug out from under me. So, I suppose it's not that I'm mourning the loss of the ability or desire to do some things I once enjoyed doing because I realize I really don't enjoy doing some of those things anymore anyway. It's just that the shift happened so fast, I feel like I didn't have a say in it, or control over it.
Ha, I could go into another long discussion about feeling the need for control: to control things that happen in my life. But I'm well aware that we only have so much control - the control of our thoughts, not the all of the outcomes of our life. I obviously have not learned this spiritual lesson because here I am, mourning the loss of control. But this is a good philosophical, metaphysical discussion for another time.
Now that we're past the infant stage, I feel I can get back to doing some of the things I did and still do enjoy but haven't had the chance to do - like socializing with friends and going on outdoor adventures. And it's not like having a baby has stopped us from doing everything we love. It has just forced us to give up some things (the less important things anyway) and prioritize. We have never stopped doing the most important thing in our lives - our band. And we still do a radio show. We played a show a month and a half after Bowie was born. :) But it sure will be nice to get back to doing some other fun things. Man, that first year has been tough! Did I mention I am making myself a "good job mama" cake at Bowie's first birthday? It may not say that on my cake, but I'm making myself a little cake knowing what it signifies.
The other main thing I feel I'm mourning is the shift in friends that comes along with a shift in interests. We all change as we grow older and experience friends coming and going, at the very least, a shift in the closeness of friends. Those who were once very close now are more like acquaintances. This is a normal part of life and I'm ok with that. My problem is that I was trying to hold onto the closeness of friendships with people whose common interests were dwindling (aka, non-parent friends). And, I need to have close friends to feel like I'm sufficiently supported in life. I always thought, I would never be one of those people who talks to their non-parent friends about their kid and unloads my parenting problems on them, but it kind of just happened. AH! Yes, I became that person. I was wondering why some of my non-parent friends started becoming a little more distant and not asking me to hang out as much. I get it now! Ha. I also get that I really need to befriend more parents - those who understand my plight and can sympathize when I need to unload about how hard parts of being a parent are. I need that support. It's hard when most of your friends are non-parents. It didn't make it any easier that we moved 4 months after Bowie was born and my new neighborhood doesn't have the cool mom's groups that my old neighborhood did. It has been a struggle to find other moms with similar interests. Let this be a written call to the universe - where are my soul mate mamas?! I'll report back after the universe has delivered.
I'll post pictures of Bowie's first birthday next weekend. Until then, here's photo documentation of what we've been doing with our lives this summer...
