Bowie now prefaces everything he says with "dude". It's hilarious. Nothing like toddlers to be your mirror. Dave and I both asked ourselves, do we really say dude that much? It could be worse. Like "no poop, I fart" that Dave is laughing at and constantly encouraging.
Poor baby threw up for the first time this week. He was scared more than anything I think at the unfamiliar feeling of your stomach involuntarily pushing its contents back up. He seemed miserable, poor baby. I mean, who does like that nasty feeling? I think I became more de-sensitized to it my freshman year in college when I would regularly drink too much at frat parties and throw up. I guess college was good for something.
I am frequently able to communicate with his spirit while he's sleeping, although never like I was able to before we conceived and while I was pregnant. Even when he was an infant, it was easier. I wonder if the spirit communicates telepathically less the longer it's in the human body. Or maybe just while it's in a new human body that's busy trying to figure out how the hell to live and communicate with others on this earth. Anyway, I was letting him know that this throwing up feeling is a normal, occasional part of human life.
It has been nice being on a month-long winter break from work, but I was ready to get back to work. I could never be a stay-at-home mom. I start to go crazy if I'm not fulfilling my talent and passion of teaching for too long. Thankfully I live in an era where I'm not made to feel guilty if I want to work out of the home. But, I haven't escaped the mom-guilt in just about every other area of parenting.
Mom guilt and perfectionism that has come out of the woodwork as soon as I became a mom has surprised me and taken me by storm. I had done a lot of personal work to get over my own perfectionism, so when this seemingly-instinctual perfectionism started rearing its ugly head again, I succumbed to guilt. The scary thing about this, not unlike fear or many other unpleasant emotions, is that it sneaks up on me and I'm not aware it's affecting me. The main reason for this, I think is that the first year of Bowie's life, the first year of being a parent, I had no idea what I was doing and was overwhelmed by the difficulty and new responsibility and role, that I felt I was just surviving, and wasn't aware of the unhelpful emotions that were creeping in.
SO, this year I am paying attention and will NOT succumb to mom guilt! I just realized that I know lots of people who had f*cked up childhoods and have turned out to be fine, so I'm pretty sure if Bowie gets a little too much screen time one day, or has snacks for meals one day, or mac & cheese more than once every couple weeks, or if I had a lot of work to get done and can't play with him all day, or if I don't read to him as much as I think is best for his development some days, or if he doesn't go to bed at 8:00 every single night, or if he doesn't get exposed to a variety of experiences or classes and some weeks the only excursion is our neighborhood walk, or if he sometimes eats non-organic fruits/vegetables or sometimes uses soap or hand sanitizer that is on the EWG (environmental watch group) he will still turn out just fine.
I'll post an update about my consulting business next time. I got a FT job teaching public speaking at Motlow State Community College for now and am enjoying the flexible hours, almost-part-time hours, and breaks (winter, summer, spring..) so I can spend a lot of time with Bowie and on my coaching/consulting business.
