I was talking to someone the other day who was complaining about her co-worker and how she wanted to quit the job because she couldn't stand her co-worker and working with her anymore. I asked what was going on and she said this co-worker would say things like, "that's nice you're out on the town enjoying yourself when I'm here at the office working" in the evenings. I asked if this person wanted a pat on the back for work she does a lot and they confirmed yes! So I said, if that's just what this person needs - appreciation and acknowledgement for her good work and hard-working dedication - do you give that to her? She laughed and said "No, I'm not going to pat her on the back!"
I wondered why she was not willing to do something that seemed to me to be a simple solution to this major problem that was making her miserable enough to want to quit her job! Why? Because her ego was involved. She probably thought her co-worker was demeaning her for her lack of hard work and/or dedication to the job and her ego got flared up and she didn't want to let this person continue to believe this and even possibly encourage her to do so by stroking her ego. She took this co-workers words personally - which is what happens when we don't assume someone is behaving badly because of their own issues. (see my past blog post for more about this)
Wait! Maybe the co-worker WAS demeaning her for her lack of hard work and/or dedication to the job you say? Well, that's also an easy fix if she thought that was the case. She could just have a conversation with her co-worker about expectations and goals about the work and responsibilities.
Then, once they had the conversation and came to an agreement on work expectations and goals, if this co-worker kept behaving badly, she would know they either didn't really come to an agreement in their conversation. OR she could just not take what the co-worker says personally knowing, from their conversation, that she really just needs pats on the back once in a while. But she wouldn't know this if she didn't communicate with her co-worker.
It amazes me how people are willing to go to great lengths to put up with misery or even make a major, possibly detrimental, change in their lives just because they don't want to have a difficult conversation.
I am a communication teacher and have a coaching business where I help people in situations just like this. If you have a problem with someone at work who is making you miserable and you don't want to communicate with them, seek outside help instead of causing yourself months or years of misery.
